Pretending Not to Hear You
Why you shouldn't ignore it: Telling your child two, three, even four times to do something she doesn't want to do, such as get into the car or pick up her toys, sends the message that it's okay to disregard you and that she--not you--is running the show. "Reminding your child again and again just trains her to wait for the next reminder rather than to pay attention to you the first time you tell her something," says psychologist Kevin Leman, Ph.D., author of First-Time Mom: Getting Off on the Right Foot -- From Birth to First Grade. "Tuning you out is a power play, and if you allow the behavior to continue, your child is likely to become defiant and controlling."
How to stop it: Instead of talking to your child from across the room, walk over to her and tell her what she needs to do. Have her look at you when you're speaking and respond by saying, "Okay, Mommy." Touching her shoulder, saying her name, and turning off the TV can also help get her attention. If she doesn't get moving, impose a consequence.
Why you shouldn't ignore it: Telling your child two, three, even four times to do something she doesn't want to do, such as get into the car or pick up her toys, sends the message that it's okay to disregard you and that she--not you--is running the show. "Reminding your child again and again just trains her to wait for the next reminder rather than to pay attention to you the first time you tell her something," says psychologist Kevin Leman, Ph.D., author of First-Time Mom: Getting Off on the Right Foot -- From Birth to First Grade. "Tuning you out is a power play, and if you allow the behavior to continue, your child is likely to become defiant and controlling."
How to stop it: Instead of talking to your child from across the room, walk over to her and tell her what she needs to do. Have her look at you when you're speaking and respond by saying, "Okay, Mommy." Touching her shoulder, saying her name, and turning off the TV can also help get her attention. If she doesn't get moving, impose a consequence.
When 6-year-old Jack Lepkowski, of Ossining, New York, started practicing "selective hearing," his parents decided to take action. They told him that if they had to ask him to do something more than once, such as come to dinner or take a bath, he would get to watch only one video that day (his usual allotment is two) or he'd miss a playdate that week. If they had to remind him twice, he would lose two videos or two playdates. "I try not to give in because otherwise his selective hearing will continue," says his mother, Lydia. "This tactic seems to be working!"
Helping Himself to a Treat
Why you shouldn't ignore it: It's certainly convenient when your child can get his own snack or pop in a DVD, but letting him have control of activities that you should regulate doesn't teach him that he has to follow rules. "It may be cute when your 2-year-old walks along the counter to get the cookies out of the cabinet, but just wait until he's 8 and goes to visit a friend who lives three blocks away without asking," Dr. Wyckoff says.
How to stop it: Establish a small number of house rules, and talk about them with your child often ("You have to ask whether you can have sweets because that's the rule"). If your child turns on the TV without permission, for instance, tell him to turn it off and say, "You need to ask me before you turn on the television." Stating the rule out loud will help him internalize it.
When 3-year-old Sloan Ibanez took some markers without asking and colored one of her arms completely yellow, her mom, Tanzy, told her that she couldn't help with painting a garage-sale sign later that afternoon. "She cried, but I knew I had to nip this in the bud or else I'd pay the price later because she'd do it again and again," says Ibanez, of Lewiston, Texas.
